Sta.sh
'I had always been quite different from everyone...' I mused, staring blankly out the window. It was true, I was so much different from everyone. Those who surrounded me had things for people to admire. I was different, looked down upon and shunned.
I had also realized, despite how much I hated it, that I had trust issues. It bothered me that I had doubts about even my closest friends. But, I can't help myself. There was always something to doubt, at least, that's what I had eventually came to believe. There had been times where I believed this had been a result of being the happiest I could be, carefree and high-spirited, and next thing I know, the one person who created that happiness took it all away. It happened on several occasions, but it couldn't be helped.
Sighing, I turned away from the window, resting my head on the desk. There was also the way I drew. I could never be content with the way I drew, it was terrible. Everyone says it's good, but as a result of my trust, I always believed them to be false.
Then there was how I wrote, little stories imagined in my head. Grammar, and spelling were key factors, and I was terrible at it. Those stories rarely made it past my mind, I was always afraid people would hate it, or be offended. I imagine in words, but they never work together.
'I'm really not a likable person...' I decided, looking back out the window. 'Why am I so un-trusting of people...?'
'Because you're an idiot.' said a voice, it's words leaking in to my mind. They were true, though. I really was. To be led on, I was going to let myself become happy once more.
This was one more thing to despise. The many personalities of me, running through my head, mentally attacking me. I was a sensitive person, most opt to crying, but I could easily be provoked. I hated it.
'I hate who I am, hate it, hate it, hate, hate hate.' I thought once more. But, one more thought followed.
It was always who I am.
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Seriously, though, it gets A LOT better. I absolutely hate saying this because it makes me feel so heartless, but maybe you can see if a school counselor or a close relative/friend can help you find out what's wrong? People your own age are more likely to detract from the likelihood of "getting better", since what you're feeling might me more "mature" than they are used to. However, if you have a particularly mature friend, you can definitely talk to them. I'm on medication now and am going through counseling, which is sometimes what it takes. Don't mind the skeptical views on therapy and psychiatry that the media and cynics give you, because it works (for me, at least
All that aside, though, I always thought MPD would be one of those more interesting disorders to have. It must be absolute torture, like my "disorder" (because i haven't gotten an official diagnosis yet, only a preliminary D: ) is, but at the same time, it must be inspiring. I could write and draw thousands of things coming from my experiences, but all the people inside you have different ideas and everything. If you could befriend them, it'd be even better and they could help you... if that doesn't sound totally insane.
Well, that was a long response. D: Sorry!
Ah, yeah, venting really helps. Yesterday I felt like crying but I just couldn't... Don't know why, though.
Ah, I have, but... I don't know. I really just don't know anymore. So, for now I'll just out a smile on my face and continue on. But, my friend goes to therapy every week, whether she needs it or not, so, I'll ask her about it. None of my friends (besides her) are really mature, though. They all like to goof around and all, and it bothers me sometimes.
M.P.D. is one of the weirdest disorders I have to deal with (although, that's because it's most likely the only mental one I have)... And yes, I agree that it's very inspirational, though. I have a 'twin' who's ideas and beliefs differ so much from mine, but we work together, (unless 'she' is hurting me >w>) and she gives me so many perspectives on life. Of course, the other personalities do too, but that one is more common. Her's was the voice, by the way... And, yes, befriending them is hard... But I'm trying! And, no, you don't sound insane, not to me, anyways...
Ah, no worries! It's fine, thanks for the advice and such~
Oh my goodness, that seems so cool! It's so cool to have someone to talk to anywhere. (of course, unless they're hurting you...
And no problem!
Oh, it is! Although, sometimes it's strange because she's all logical and I'm creative...
Ah, you aren't the only one out there, trust me, there are more than just us. But, yeah, I felt alone before too because I never really had anyone to talk to!
That is such a relieving thing! If you need someone to talk to, I'm always on here
because i have no life. Or, if you need an actual shoulder to cry on because it's impossible on the internet, you should be able to go to your friend that goes to counseling or whatnot. It's just good to know there's someone like me. ^-^Alright, I will~! Thank you so much!